It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
