he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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