I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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