I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
