so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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