She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
