I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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