I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
