please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
