Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
