obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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