I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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