I love black thongs
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
