guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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