I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
