No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
