Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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