we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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