since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
