i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
