I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
