she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
