the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
