I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
