just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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