My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
