At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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