I'm so fucking centered right now
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
