I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize