I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
