my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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