I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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