I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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