Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
love makes seman taste better
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
