I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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