Jerry, you need to find god
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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