i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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