why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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