i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
