um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
