I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
