when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
