i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
