So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
