I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
