Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
