JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
