he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
