WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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