his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
