the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You need a sexual gate keeper
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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