cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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