Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
