I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
