I can't watch pbs sober anymore
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
