evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
