Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
