I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
