I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
