I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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