His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
