Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
